Dons Trust Board Top Trumps Part 1
The game no one asked for but we’re doing it anyway.
There are many ways to assess the performance of a board. You could use outcomes. Or KPIs. Or evidence.
Or you could rank them using an arbitrary card game invented by a sarcastic newsletter, judged via five deeply unfair categories, including a made-up stat we’re calling the Manifesto-to-Action Ratio (MAR).
Let’s be honest: it’s the only governance metric we actually trust.
Attendance scored from Jan–Jun 2025 minutes. Committees include working groups, external rep roles, and whatever other meeting someone invented on a Tuesday night. Quotes are from minutes where they exist, otherwise they’re the sort of nonsense they could plausibly have said after their third San Miguel.
To be crystal clear: none of this is official. It’s not endorsed by the club, the DTB, or anyone who’s ever taken the minutes. These are questionable numbers and dubious quotes (an approach some of the DTB will surely recognise), all served up in the spirit of satire.
Here’s part 1 of our Dons Trust Board Top Trumps featuring four key members of the 2025 board.
Angus Fox – The Omnichair
Committee Memberships: 5
Meeting Attendance: 10/10
Manifesto-to-Action Ratio: 1:1 (the man delivers)
Likelihood of Not Resigning Early: 100%
Special Power: Governance Overload – absorbs your card, your calendar, and your will to live.
Quote: “It’s important we end up with something we can publish.”
Angus isn’t just on the board. Angus is the board. Chair of the Board. Chair of Culture. Chair of EDI. Chair of three other things we’ve probably forgotten. If the board formed a band, Angus would play drums, sing lead vocals, and still find time to do the budget.
James Longhurst – The Engine
Committee Memberships: 4
Meeting Attendance: 10/10
Manifesto-to-Action Ratio: 1:0.85 (honestly close to mythical)
Likelihood of Not Resigning Early: 120%
Special Power: Working Group Vortex – draws all tasks toward him.
Quote: “We should use that to feed into the strategy for the DT.”
James exists on a higher plane of board productivity. Some say he’s just one person. Others suspect he’s a distributed task management system with a face.
He chairs youth engagement, attends every subgroup, and still finds time to organise Discord events, quote Fair Game data, and fix rota gaps. We’re not saying he should run the club, but...
Simon Hood – The Ghost
Committee Memberships: 1
Meeting Attendance: 6/10
Manifesto-to-Action Ratio: 7:0.2
Likelihood of Not Resigning Early: 35%
Special Power: Stealth mode. Can attend meetings and still not appear in the minutes.
Quote: None found.
Simon exists in a permanent state of “apologies for absence.” He’s on the fundraising group, allegedly. Minutes mention him like a ghost in a Victorian novel: faintly, and with a strong sense that he may just be a mirage.
Hannah Kitcher – The North Star
Committee Memberships: 1
Meeting Attendance: 5.5/10
Manifesto-to-Action Ratio: 1:2 (progress achieved, but only after a delay).
Likelihood of Not Resigning Early: 55%
Special Power: Cosmic Guidance – points the way, but you’re never quite sure if anyone’s moving toward it.
Quote: “We should use the SGM as an opportunity to discuss setting the DT’s north star.” (Amazingly this is the only real quote included - seriously look it up in the minutes)
Hannah comes across as the sensible one. Calm, thoughtful, and able to phrase things in a way that avoids drama. But the minutes show a regular pattern of absences, late arrivals, and train delays. She represents the women’s team and understands comms, which matters, but her impact sometimes feels more like a distant constellation than a driving force.
Closing Thoughts:
We’ve said it before: being on the DTB is a thankless, inbox-destroying, rota-infested grind. So thank you, sincerely, to those doing the work. Even if we will still make cards mocking you for sport.
Up next:
Martin, Alex, Graeme, and Ian – the Strategist, the Comms Guy, the Numbers Man, and the Batman of Governance.
WombleWorld
We once tried to attend a DTB SGM and ended up chairing the Fundraising Working Group for 18 months. Still waiting for a thank you watch.