Five New Programme Features We Absolutely Need

The dust has settled (kind of). The election is over, the WUP gatekeepers have gone back to polishing their guestbook, and the DTB are probably still arguing over the risk register in a windowless room. Time to take a breath before the next SGM.

Let’s talk about something calmer. Something wholesome. Something that definitely won’t trigger a social media riot. The matchday programme.

Programmes are underrated. They’re the one place where optimism is mandatory, sponsors are shoehorned in on every other page, and the player interviews all read like hostage notes.

But what if we made them… better? Here are five features we’d like to see.

1. WiSH You Were Here

Heritage matters. WiSH already run the museum, the archive, and more trails than the National Trust. Why not extend it into the programme? Each edition could come with a detachable heritage postcard. Collect all 23 and you unlock a secret map leading to the Old Plough Lane.

2. The DTB Minutes Pull-Out Section

We’re always told fans should be engaged in governance. But let’s be honest, very few of you are logging in to read 47-page PDFs. So let’s go physical. A 12-page centre spread where you can relive the thrill of action points, risk registers, and heated debates. Comes with its own crossword made entirely of acronyms.

3. Scratch-and-Sniff Pages

We want the full Plough Lane sensory experience. First-half smells: pies, pints, optimism. Second-half smells: pigeons, pints, despair. For the brave, an optional “extra time” patch that captures the aroma of the South Stand toilets at 5pm.

4. The Interactive Hologram Manager’s Notes

The written word is fine, but imagine opening your programme and seeing Johnnie Jackson leap out of the page in 3D to explain his tactics. Unfortunately, hologram JJ would also refuse to bring on McCoy-Splatt, no matter how many times you wave your season ticket at him.

5. A regular WombleWorld column

Every great club publication needs balance. Player interviews bring insight. Historical pieces bring pride. And then there’s us - bringing bafflement. Bi-monthly, half satire, half therapy.

Each edition would feature a short column explaining club life as seen from from the WombleWorld side eye.

Topics could range from “How do you Cope” - a deep dive into how our Director of Football prioritises his mental health, to “Player or Pub” - a quiz testing fans’ knowledge of Wimbledon icons and South London boozers.

Plus occasional poetry about Bayzo’s candles.

Fans could even write in to our very own WombleWorld letters page with questions like “Can the DTB approve a pint per volunteer without triggering an audit?” We’ll do our best to find answers, or invent better ones.

Closing Thoughts

There you go. Five features that would make the programme the hottest matchday accessory since the yellow and blue foam finger. But they are also five features that’ll never happen. But at least they’d distract us from the next post-match satisfaction survey, and probably boost sales while they’re at it.

WombleWorld

Still waiting for the DTB to explain why the programme can’t double as a members’ proxy form. Until then, pass the scratch-and-sniff San Miguel.