Welcome to the Club Shop: Five Essentials for New WombleWorlders
We noticed a few new subscribers so we thought we would help you get kitted out while you wait for our analysis of the DTB election manifestos (coming soon).
Unfortunately we don’t have any WombleWorld merch (yet) so we’ll have to direct you to the club shop. The shop funds the football. It fuels hope and it smells of polyester and destiny. We’ve looked at every single item and identified the 5 key items you need that aren’t this season’s home shirt - because that would be too obvious.
1995–96 Home Shirt
Retro thunder. Old badge energy. Looks good in the office and in Row F. Wear it and strangers will tell you their favourite Marcus Gayle moment. Nod wisely. Then whisper, “Elonex at home, Tiny at work.” If they know they know. A proper bit of history for your shoulders.
Hair Scrunchies 2-Pack
Two colours. Two moods. Ponytail mode for pressing high. Wrist mode for late corners when you need something to twang. Discreet enough for work. Loud enough for Wembley. Also useful for bundling rogue programmes, receipts, and that lanyard we know you accidentally kept when you attended hospitality that one time.
AFC Wimbledon Gift Voucher
When in doubt, buy time. Perfect for birthdays, apologies, and tactical deferrals. Give it to a friend you’re trying to convert. Or to yourself, ready for the day the away shirt sneaks up on you. Spend on anything from mugs to optimism.
Haydon the Womble Hand Puppet
The crown jewel. Instant half-time show. Reads team news at breakfast. Offers strong tactical opinions on set pieces. Kids love it. Adults respect it.
Use cases:
Car companion for away trips. Talks more sense than your brother.
SGM warm up act. Watch him interview Aaron Paul.
Junior Don whisperer. Guarantees sleep by 7pm
Care guide: Wipe clean with a damp cloth. Avoid pasta sauce during goal replays. Do not let it near your group chat during transfer rumours. It will send a thumbs up and you will spend three days explaining it was not official.
It is joy in glove form. Buy one for a child. Then buy another “for the child” and keep it for yourself.
Bayzo’s Set-Piece Candle Kit
For the spiritually committed and the tactically confused. Three candles. One purpose. Defend a last-minute header from the back post.
What’s in the box:
Zonal Sage. Clears bad vibes. Also clears the near post.
Man-Mark Myrrh. Smells like responsibility. Allows you to stick to your marker even in stoppage time.
Chaos Cinnamon. Light during corners. Attracts ricochets, shin pads, and destiny.
Instructions: place all three on a tea tray. Face South West. Whisper “Bayzo, guide us.” Blow out on 87 minutes. Watch the ball behave like it read the instruction manual.
Eco bits: wicks are recycled from old training cones. Wax is ethically sourced from melted programmes and the packaging is made from surplus DTB minutes, 100 percent recycled accountability.
Warning! Side effects: may lure pigeons trained by Dave Reddington. If you post on twitter mid-corner, the flame dies and that is on you.
Price: £29.99 or one gift voucher plus a solemn promise to shake your keys at corners. No refunds if used at Bolton.
We’d also give a quick shout out for the shop team. The stock is tidy. The photos look slick and the vibes are good. We like that. Keep it up. If you’re new here, welcome to the chaos. Buy a shirt. Wear the scrunchie. Brandish the voucher. Animate Haydon.
To the serial moaners who have escaped the WUP to read this: breathe. You can’t fix football in a week. You can buy a puppet and find joy. See you in the queue, pretending this second purchase is “for a mate.”
WombleWorld
P.S. Shin pads exist too. Useful for five-a-side and for reading Discord.