What If We Never Sold Ollie Palmer?

WombleWorld What Ifs. Episode 1

Welcome to WombleWorld What Ifs (WWWi), a new series exploring alternate realities that no one asked for that we’re doing anyway.

Diving headfirst into alternative realities, parallel universes and our own weird imagination. It’s fiction but it could have been true if circumstances were different.

So, let’s set the scene.

It’s January 2022. The world is grim. COVID’s still knocking about. But at least we’ve got Ollie Palmer. Big. Bearded. Beautiful. So we decide to do something completely irrational:

We sell Ollie Palmer to Wrexham.

For actual money. To a non-league team. Owned by two actors.

It was a transfer so baffling it made Trotter, Soares, and Abdou look logical in hindsight.

We told ourselves: “We’re a fan-owned club. We can’t say no to £300k.”

But what if… we had?

And now that Mark Robinson has returned (albeit temporarily) it’s made us think…

What if Ollie Palmer had stayed

Act I: The Goals Keep Coming

He scores two against Gillingham the following week. One with his left foot. One with his beard.

Suddenly, Mark Robinson’s Revolution™ looks credible. Full-backs invert. Kids thrive. Motivational posters sell in the club shop by the 100’s.

Ayoub Assal stops kicking people in the shins.

Ollie ends the season on 17 goals. We scrape survival. The fans sing “Sweet Palmer-line” to the tune of Sweet Caroline.

Robbo’s still in the job.

Act II: The Butterfly Effect

No Palmer? No Wrexham promotion.
No Wrexham promotion? No Wrexham title charge.
No title charge? No global Disney+ deal.

Ryan Reynolds gives up and buys Charlton. They make a documentary. It lasts two episodes and ends when Lyle Taylor locks him in a Portacabin.

Meanwhile, back in League One, we have momentum. Palmer bulks up (somehow even more). Bayzo gets him into crystal-based recovery therapy.

We finish 7th in 2022/23.

In 2023/24, we finish 1st. Championship Ahoy!

And in the very next season, 2024/25?

We edge past Leeds on the final day to secure the title. A Bobby Zamora-style backheel from Palmer sends us to the Premier League!

Mark Robinson celebrates by blinking twice in quick succession, a known sign of euphoria in modern football managers.

The Dons Trust Board debates whether being in the Premier League breaches our Ethical Fan Values. They create a working group to determine the terms of reference for a review. However this time it’s August and the season has started. WW sources suggest the review is ongoing and is scheduled to be completed in 2034, alongside the MK mediation.

Act III: Olliemania

With Palmer now the face of British football, things get weird.

Nike launch a boot called The Beard, furry all over to help with those toe pokes.

Mick Buckley’s dog is renamed Ollie. It becomes honorary club chair and bites Gary Lineker during a live FA Cup draw. Halifax at home in the 3rd round for those interested.

A statue is built. But due to a budgeting error, it’s just a repainted Terry Brown waxwork.

Meanwhile, Wrexham are still stuck in the National League. Phil Parkinson has a breakdown in a Greggs after they give him a vegan sausage roll by mistake.

Epilogue: Things that happen over the next decade.

March 2028: Wimbledon opens its new mega-stand: The Palmer Pavilion, shaped like a giant shin.

August 2030: A Dons Trust SGM of 150,000 members votes 76–24 to rename the team AFC Olliedon.

October 2032: We sign the worlds biggest kit manufacturing deal with ASOS.

But our next signing? In the January 2026 transfer window? Lionel Messi. He says he always admired our idealism. And the way our manager blinks.

Then, in his debut, he comes on for Palmer. But we lose 2-0 at home to Halifax in the FA Cup. Sorry - but there are some things WWWi can’t change. And losing at home to a non-league team in the FA Cup is one of those.

Closing Thoughts

None of this happened.

We sold him. We balanced the books. We told ourselves it was grown-up behaviour.

And maybe it was. It also then led to us not winning a game for the rest of the season and subsequent relegation.

It goes to show that football isn’t always built on grown-up behaviour. It’s built on vibes, chaos, and big men who score goals with their face.

Welcome to WombleWorld What Ifs.

WombleWorld

All facts are legally ambiguous. For real-world results, try actual reality. It’s far less fun.