WombleWorld Update: Office Relocation
We’re moving back home to Plough Lane
We are hereby relocating our vast media empire to Plough Lane. Not really. But we had a look at the listing and now we want a swipe card and access to the kettle.
The pitch:
The club is renting 2,725 square feet of ground floor office space at the Cherry Red Records Stadium. Open plan. Meeting rooms. Private offices. Perimeter trunking. LED lights. Kitchenette. Up to 15 car spaces. Even the outdoor astro for when meetings gets too intense.
A flexible lease up to five years at £20 per square foot, plus VAT. That is £54,500 a year for the accountants in the East Stand.
We did not know we needed perimeter trunking until today, but now it is our North Star.
The logic:
Non-matchday revenue matters. Everyone loves a good cup run. The club has been honest about the numbers. Average annual losses around the £1m mark before the football fairy turns up with a televised replay and a sell on clause for Jack Rudoni.
This is exactly the sort of practical, unglamorous move fan-owned clubs should be doing. It leverages the ground on non-matchdays. It keeps the football funded by more than hope.
“£54.5k a year. Spend it on a striker.” Of course you would. We all would. If people want to pay to work next to the South Stand and call it synergy, let them bankroll the team, but in reality any income needs to work harder than that.
Our totally serious office plan:
Reception doubles as the WombleWorld help desk. “No, we will not be including your dog for Womble of the Week consideration.”
A meeting room named The 50.01 Suite. All decisions require a three-person quorum and one at least one dissenting ex-DTB member.
We’d offer a private office reserved for Wombles Co-efficient to record episodes about how perimeter trunking is a metaphor for mid-block pressing.
A sofa space for users of Discord to recover after four hours of arguing whether moving from Pro Boards should have been a Restricted Action. It isn’t. We checked. Twice.
If we do move in, we will lend the Board our security passes. They were still sorting theirs in March. We are helpful like that.
Why we are not actually moving in:
Because we would be terrible tenants.
The kitchenette would become a content lab.
The “private office” would be full of sticker boxes and a whiteboard that only says “shoot.”
Craig Cope would spend all his time with us in epic games of backgammon trying to organise his pieces into an 4-4-4-3 formation before throwing a temper tantrum when he loses and tipping the table.
Also someone would ask us to stop testing new chants during Teams calls. HR would take a dim view.
FAQs we pre-wrote because we know you’re an inquisitive so and so:
Will there be hot desking on the terrace? No
Is there a quiet room for listening to post-match de-briefs. Yes. It is called Earlsfield.
Can the astro be used for five a side brainstorms. Apparently yes. Try not to nutmeg your Finance Director.
Can I bring my dog to the office? We will need to check that with the CEO. We will answer you soon.
Can I get a MyPie for lunch? No and if you try you will be evicted.
Can I subscribe to WombleWord to get insightful articles straight to my inbox? Yes you can, sign up here friends.
And finally:
Can anyone tell us what on earth perimeter trunking is?
WombleWorld
We promise not to put the DTB’s meeting agenda on the office fridge. Again. It upsets Facilities.